A Good Man
by Charis77
Summary: Arthur wasn't really being a jerk when he told Merlin to polish his armor. He needed his friend, even though he couldn't manage to tell him why. Takes place during a portion of "A Herald of the New Age" and includes a tag.


Arthur had been trying for days to tell Merlin what had really happened. He'd caught himself staring at his manservant whenever he was around, scrubbing floors, hanging laundry, brushing boots, the truth on the tip of his tongue. But then he'd picture the younger man's horrified face, and instead of opening up to the one person he would even consider telling, he'd lash out.

He hadn't been nice, and he knew it. He'd made Merlin "help" in the knights' practice by holding a shield that got the snot beat out of it. When Merlin had attempted to find out what was wrong, hinting at his feelings over Gwen's exile, he'd ordered him out of his rooms. He hadn't supported him when he'd defended Elyan in front of Agravaine, even though he believed Merlin. He'd been sarcastic and rude when Merlin turned up with a wound after being out in the woods all night, though he was certain he'd actually been the one to let Elyan out of the cells, and really, Arthur had been relieved when it was discovered Elyan had gone missing.

Arthur glanced once more at his manservant, laying out his night clothes. Earlier in the day, Gaius had revealed Elyan was possessed by a Druid spirit, a child that sought atonement for his unjust death. And Merlin had assumed this meant Uther. That only his father would have been cruel enough to attack innocent Druids, innocent _children_.

Arthur raked both hands through his hair. He kept watching Merlin. _Just tell him!_ He fingered his meal. He'd eaten little. _He'll hate me._ That was what it came down to. Merlin always had such faith in him, all that ridiculously uplifting wisdom about him becoming a great king some day. Did great kings slaughter innocents?

Arthur _wanted_ Merlin by his side. He'd already figured out what he needed to do to save Elyan—he had to confront the spirit and confess what he'd done. If Merlin was with him, it would be that much easier. _So tell him._

Merlin strode over to the table. "Are you finished, sire?"

Arthur nodded, continuing to stare deep in thought as Merlin retrieved the kitchenware.

"It's not your fault," Merlin ventured. "You can't be held responsible for everything your father did."

Arthur looked up at him, that trusting, compassionate gaze striking him to the heart. Merlin would listen and understand, wouldn't he? But once again, he chickened out. "That'll be all, Merlin. Thank you."

"You sure you don't want me to stay?"

That made it worse. _Yes, I want you to stay!_ An excuse came out instead. "I think I'm going to get an early night."

"Yeah, yeah," Merlin agreed. "I'm pretty tired, too, what with having spent the night in the woods."

And just like that, Arthur didn't want Merlin blissfully asleep. "No one said anything about you getting an early night, Merlin. In fact, you can make up for your little escapade by polishing my armor."

Merlin sent him an incredulous, even hurt look. Arthur stood, moving to his bed as if he didn't care. He heard his door open and shut. He glanced back. He wanted to run after Merlin, tell him to just go to bed, but he clung to the comfort of knowing his friend would be awake if he rustled up the courage to talk to him.

* * *

The night wore on, and the courage didn't come. Arthur paced his rooms, images from the past tormenting him. So much blood. All over. And empty eyes, corpses, life snuffed out. And he had let it happen.

Arthur finished dressing in his chain mail, then paused to peer out his window at the round orb high in the velvet sky. Sudden panic overtook him. How much time had passed? Would Merlin be finished polishing his armor yet? He commanded himself to calm down. _I need to tell him._ He slapped a hand against the wall. He just couldn't make himself do it. His eyes widened as an idea came to him. What if Merlin were by his side without him having to say a word?

Arthur dashed to his wardrobe, flinging it open. He threw on his blue cloak, drew up the hood, and left the room as quickly as he could. He took a route he knew would intersect with Merlin's when he headed back to Gaius' chambers. With any luck, Merlin wouldn't be done with the armor yet, but he could catch him if he was. Unless he'd already made it back to his room. _No_ , Arthur hoped, _he couldn't have finished yet._

Arthur slowed when he heard footsteps coming from the adjacent hallway in front of him. He stayed out of sight to observe who was passing by. A familiar raven head and red neckerchief gave away its owner. This was his chance. Certainly Merlin would see someone suspicious and investigate? Didn't he always do stupid things like that?

Arthur strode out of the side corridor, listening intently as he forged ahead. Nothing for a moment. Then soft footfalls behind him. The tension in his body released. Merlin was following him.

* * *

Everything was going according to plan until he made it into the woods and hiked too far ahead of his manservant. Merlin's echo behind him grew distant, but Arthur didn't dare stop or slow. Then it would be evident he knew Merlin trailed him. _Why can't he just keep up?_ Arthur grumbled.

All of sudden, Arthur couldn't hear Merlin at all. Great. He'd lost him. Arthur swung around, circling, peering into the brush. Where was he? It didn't take long for him to spy Merlin turning about, looking for him. For a fleeting moment, Arthur considered going on without him. Merlin would never have to know. _I can't keep hiding this from him._ If he didn't tell Merlin, it would drive him crazy for the rest of his life.

Arthur steeled himself, taking a deep breath, squaring his shoulders, and stepping up to his manservant who was looking the other way. "Merlin."

Merlin whipped his head around, only appearing surprised for a second, then cheekily mocked him. "Fancy meeting you here." So, Merlin had known it was him all along. Well, he did wash his laundry. He would have recognized the cloak.

Arthur returned with an accusation. "What the hell are you doing creeping around in the woods?"

"I'm following you," Merlin said, like this was obvious. "What the hell are you doing creeping around in the woods?"

"It's something I should've done a long time ago," Arthur confessed as he removed his cloak, his disguise having served its purpose.

"Elyan could be out here," Merlin protested. "Do you know how dangerous that is?"

"I have to face him. Feel free to go back to Camelot anytime you like." He hated to add that last part, but as much as he desired Merlin's presence, he didn't want to drag his friend into danger against his will. He started hiking along again and heard Merlin follow once more. He looked behind. "You're not going back then?"

"Thought I might tag along. Don't want you getting lost and scared."

Arthur let a brief smile escape his control and turned to walk on. Thank the heavens Merlin was Merlin, never content to leave well enough alone.

* * *

Arthur prided himself on his bravery, but the closer they came to the Druid shrine, the more fear gripped his heart. He meant to confront the dead and had no defense but a plea for mercy. He glanced beside him at his shadow. If Merlin hadn't been here, he might have turned around. With him here, he had someone to be strong for.

Merlin had gotten more and more jittery the closer they came to the shrine. When they reached its border, he stopped and Arthur followed his lead. "You sure you want to do this? Maybe we should wait until it's light."

Arthur tried to portray a modicum of courage and continued into the shrine. Merlin groused behind him.

"Or we could just do it now. Whatever it is that we're doing, in the dark, when it's incredibly scary and dangerous."

 _He doesn't understand_ , Arthur thought. _I can't let this weigh on my mind a moment longer._ He halted at the center of the shrine, unsheathing his sword and laying it on a rock, hoping the shade wouldn't perceive him as a threat.

Merlin didn't seem to agree. "That a good idea? We might be needing it."

"I'm not sure a sword would be much use against a spirit."

"What about against Elyan?"

Arthur assumed he might be dead at the end of this, sword or no. He gazed around impatiently. Now that the moment had arrived, he wanted to get this over with. His heart battered his ribs. He couldn't bear this guilt anymore.

"I'm here! That's what you want, isn't it?" he cried out.

"What _are_ you doing?" Merlin questioned, as if he was the most foolish person in the world to tempt a shade.

Arthur turned to Merlin who had taken up a place behind him. He'd dreaded this moment more than the shade's appearance. Merlin would never forgive him, but that didn't matter. His heart would burst if he didn't tell him now. "Everything Gaius said about this place is right except for one thing. It wasn't my father that led the raid on the druid camp...I did."

Arthur tried to read Merlin's expression. Was that revulsion, disgust, anger? He didn't have time to think about it. Elyan appeared across from him, speaking in a child's voice.

"My blood is on your hands. I cannot rest because of what you did."

Arthur faced him. "I know." He held out his hands in surrender and went to his knees. His throat closed up, but he forced himself to speak as tears wet his eyes. "I am responsible for what happened to you. And for all the violence that happened here. When I led the attack on your camp, I was young and inexperienced. I was desperate to prove myself to my men, to my...father."

Elyan moved closer. Arthur continued to confess. "I told the men to spare the women and children, but I know that some of them ignored the order. And there was so much happening. I wanted to stop it...I froze. I didn't know what to do." The images from earlier passed through his mind again, the blood on the bodies and his men and his own hands. He drew in a shaky breath.

Elyan drifted closer and closer.

"I can still hear the screams. I cannot right this wrong. Nothing I can ever do will change the horrors that happened that day. But I can promise that, now that I am king, I will do everything that I can to prevent anything like this ever happening again. From this day forth, the Druid people will be treated with the respect they deserve. I give you my word."

Elyan drew his sword.

Arthur didn't move. This was it. "I am truly sorry for what happened to you." He prepared himself for the blow, panting in fear. He half expected Merlin to try and stop it, but he heard nothing behind him. _He thinks I deserve it. I do deserve it!_

Elyan dropped his sword, took him by the shoulders, and raised him from the ground. He embraced him and whispered. "I forgive you."

Arthur felt a great weight lift from his soul. Elyan stepped back, opened his mouth, and a swirling white mist departed as Arthur watched in awe. Elyan went limp. Arthur caught him as he muttered his name. He cradled his knight to his chest, tears still gracing his cheeks.

* * *

As Arthur and Merlin aided Elyan back to the castle, the king kept glancing at his manservant who seemed to be avoiding looking his direction. Then again, they were supporting Elyan between them who didn't quite recall how to use his legs and alternated between remembering things and asking questions. When they arrived at the castle, they had to haul the knight up to Gaius' chambers since Arthur wouldn't be content until Elyan had some kind of care. Who knew how much possession might addle the brain. Merlin roused Gaius who went to work and almost immediately began issuing commands to the servant, leaving Arthur with no private moment to talk to him.

Gaius assured Arthur Elyan was in good hands and waved him away to bed. Arthur left, but not before glancing back once more at Merlin gently wiping Elyan's damp forehead with a cloth.

Arthur made his way to his rooms, changing out of his chain mail, dumping it behind the screen, and crawling into bed. He spent some time staring at the canopy above, wondering what Merlin thought of him now and wishing not for the first time that Gwen was here to listen to his worries.

Exhaustion won out in the end, and Arthur found himself deeply asleep for the first time since they stumbled upon the Druid shrine.

* * *

Arthur woke the next morning to bright sunshine filtering through the windows of his room. He rubbed at his neck as he sat up and yawned. He frowned. Where was Merlin with his cheery wake up call? He staggered out of bed, starting to feel irritated until he recalled their late night. He didn't know how long Merlin might have been up with Elyan.

He made his way to his washstand, splashing water on his face to fully wake. He paused, dripping water on the floor, when he spied his breakfast plate already on the table. He snatched a towel, drying as he walked over to it. He narrowed his eyes and moved to his desk. His newest correspondence and reports were laid out as well.

Arthur threw the towel down on the desk. So, his manservant had already been here and left! He brooded as he dressed in the fresh clothes he found hung over the screen for him. As he ate, he imagined Merlin tiptoeing in and being overly efficient to avoid interacting with him for awhile.

Arthur dropped his spoon. What had he been thinking, confessing the depth of his transgression in front of Merlin? He'd hung on the manservant's approval as if his opinion mattered, and now everything would be awkward between them.

As the morning wore on, Arthur's mood grew fouler and fouler. When Merlin finally appeared, he was sitting at his desk scanning a book of law. He scowled at the manservant who simply glanced at him as he headed to his wardrobe to hang up newly laundered clothing.

"How's Elyan?" Arthur asked, trying to appear unruffled. He did care about his knight after all. "Is he going to be all right?"

"Gaius says he's going to make a full recovery," Merlin replied.

Arthur was glad, but said nothing and looked back to his book.

"You know, that was incredibly _moving_ what you said at the shrine." There was just enough hint of mocking in Merlin's tone to make Arthur reply stonily.

"As long as Elyan's going to be all right, it served its purpose." _I didn't break down in front of you. It didn't happen, and we never have to talk about how you or I feel about it._

"It wasn't just about Elyan, though, was it? You meant it. I know you did."

Arthur felt heat rise in his cheeks, the uncomfortable awkwardness he feared upon him. "Does this have a point, Merlin?" he asked succinctly, a warning to let this go.

"I don't think I've ever seen you cry before. Not like that. You had tears running down your cheeks. It's nice to see this new sensitive, emotional side to you. It suits you."

Now Arthur _knew_ he was being mocked. "Shut up, Merlin."

Merlin gasped jokingly. "I really thought you'd changed."

Rage rose in Arthur's heart. He closed the book he'd been reading and tossed it onto his desk. "Then you're as stupid as you are ugly," he snapped childishly. He couldn't take this anymore. He stood up and began to walk away when Merlin called out after him.

"So, there's no chance that we could have a hug?"

Arthur swung back around, his anger getting the better of him as he stalked towards his servant who made a dash for it into the antechamber. Arthur tackled him from behind, and as Merlin went down to the floor, he wrenched his right arm behind his back.

Merlin struggled. "Ahhhhh. Stop."

"Do you yield?" Arthur demanded, not quite sure why it was so important to him that he make Merlin submit to him.

"Yes! Let me go!"

Arthur released him, sitting back on the floor, staring daggers at his manservant.

Merlin sat up, rotating his arm and rubbing at his shoulder. "You about pulled my arm out of its socket." He turned to Arthur with accusing eyes. "I was just joking."

"All of it's just a joke to you, is it?" Arthur came back.

"What?"

"Children died on my orders!" Arthur shouted. Wetness glazed across his eyes and he cursed, wiping them quickly.

"I didn't mean to..." Merlin started, his expression gone deadly serious, "I didn't want to..."

Arthur looked away.

"I wasn't trying to make light of what happened," Merlin managed to explain. "I just... I didn't want to make you feel bad."

"Don't I deserve to feel bad?" Arthur challenged, looking back at him.

"Not anymore," Merlin answered. "The spirit forgave you."

"And what about you?"

"Me?"

Arthur jumped up from the ground. "I don't know why I bother." He stomped back into his chambers. He _hated_ this uneasiness with Merlin. Why couldn't he have left well enough alone and gone by himself? Why did Merlin have to know at all?

"Arthur."

"You're dismissed. I'm sure Gaius can use you today."

" _Not_ again," Merlin spoke with determination.

"Go."

"I've been giving in too much lately."

Arthur fixed him with furious eyes. "Obey your king."

Merlin crossed his arms defiantly over his chest. "You obviously need to talk about this."

Arthur waved his hands dismissively and made a beeline for the exit.

"You want to know what I think?" Merlin called out. "I think you're a good man, Arthur."

Arthur stalled, his heart thumping away. He hadn't realized how much he needed to hear those words. "Good men don't kill children," he mumbled.

"Good men repent of their sins," Merlin returned. "Good kings humble themselves and ask for forgiveness."

Arthur turned back around. He didn't look at Merlin as he wandered to his bed and perched on its edge, elbows on his knees, fiddling with the ring on his finger as he did when he was uncomfortable. He felt Merlin sit down beside him.

"Is this why you've been such an ass the last few days?"

Arthur shot a withering gaze at Merlin.

Merlin held up his hands. "I mean, you've been a bit...irritable. I'm sorry. I didn't realize."

"I really did let them die, Merlin," Arthur spoke quietly. "It's not a joke."

Merlin sighed. "I know."

"And you don't care?"

"You were young. Under orders. The pressure from your father... I understand why you did it."

" _You_ wouldn't have done it."

"...Maybe I would have if I'd been born Camelot royalty."

Arthur turned his head. Merlin stared at him with empathy and kindness. All he'd done to his manservant over the last few days came back to him. "I really was an ass, wasn't I?"

Merlin nodded.

"It wasn't right of me."

Merlin shrugged. "I'm kind of used to it."

Arthur went back to contemplating his ring.

"You know, if you weren't a king, I'd say friends are more than willing to see beyond your faults if they care at all."

Arthur snorted. "If you weren't a servant, I'd say friends want each other to know the truth, even if it's horrid."

A moment of silence passed before Merlin spoke again, nudging Arthur with his shoulder. "Still no hug?"

Arthur cuffed him lightly on the back of the head.

"Guess not." Merlin smiled from ear to ear.

Arthur returned the grin, grateful for a friend more loyal than any brother.


End file.
